Richard\u2019s health scare made everyone gentler for about ten days.<\/p>\n
Then we returned to being ourselves.<\/p>\n
Emily resumed arguing with him about trust governance.<\/p>\n
Daniel lectured him about sodium.<\/p>\n
Richard complained that his cardiologist was \u201calarmist.\u201d<\/p>\n
I told him this was exactly what every difficult patient called a competent doctor.<\/p>\n
He accused me of enjoying his dietary restrictions.<\/p>\n
I said the universe was correcting his lifelong relationship with butter.<\/p>\n
Leo watched these exchanges with delight.<\/p>\n
There was comfort in ordinary irritation.<\/p>\n
It meant Richard was alive enough to be annoying.<\/p>\n
Sunday breakfasts continued.<\/p>\n
Not every week.<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
No ritual became an obligation.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Leo went to Richard\u2019s apartment.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Richard came to our house.<\/p>\n
Sometimes baseball interfered.<\/p>\n
Once Leo chose a friend\u2019s birthday party instead.<\/p>\n
Richard said, \u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
No sulking.<\/p>\n
No guilt.<\/p>\n
No quiet punishment.<\/p>\n
I noticed.<\/p>\n
So did Leo.<\/p>\n
Three months after the settlement, Richard came to our house for breakfast.<\/p>\n
It was cold outside.<\/p>\n
The maple tree by the fence had lost every leaf.<\/p>\n
Leo had grown nearly an inch since the morning of the ultimatum.<\/p>\n
I knew because his baseball pants were suddenly too short.<\/p>\n
Richard noticed too.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re taller.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat seems unnecessary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re shrinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard looked offended.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am not.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo stood beside him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched from the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
Their relationship had become easier in some ways.<\/p>\n
Harder in others.<\/p>\n
Leo no longer feared Richard.<\/p>\n
That meant he challenged him more.<\/p>\n
Interesting how quickly honesty arrived once fear left.<\/p>\n
After breakfast, Leo pulled out the chess board.<\/p>\n
The missing rook had been returned to its place.<\/p>\n
Richard noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cRecovered property.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou lost it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou threw it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was six.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA remarkably effective defense.\u201d<\/p>\n
They played.<\/p>\n
I went upstairs to put laundry away.<\/p>\n
When I returned, neither was moving.<\/p>\n
The game had apparently stopped.<\/p>\n
Leo stared at the board.<\/p>\n
Richard stared at him.<\/p>\n
Something was wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard said, \u201cHe asked me something.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo moved a pawn backward illegally.<\/p>\n
Richard did not correct him.<\/p>\n
Then Leo asked, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you leave first?\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood immediately.<\/p>\n
Richard did too.<\/p>\n
The morning of the ultimatum.<\/p>\n
Why demand that Leo leave?<\/p>\n
Why not remove himself?<\/p>\n
Richard leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a fair question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo\u2019s confidence made me smile faintly.<\/p>\n
Richard thought.<\/p>\n
A long time.<\/p>\n
Then said, \u201cBecause I believed the house was more mine than yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you bought it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Mom lived here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo why did you think we should go?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard rubbed one hand across his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I confused ownership with importance.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought because the property legally belonged to me, my preferences mattered more.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike being quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s dumb.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did nobody tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed before I could stop myself.<\/p>\n
Richard looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe did.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo looked over.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMany times.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was not an efficient learner.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you always like that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard glanced at me.<\/p>\n
Then toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was worse when I was younger.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course he did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Emily.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWonderful.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo smiled.<\/p>\n
Then asked, \u201cDid you do it because I\u2019m not really yours?\u201d<\/p>\n
The room changed.<\/p>\n
Richard went completely still.<\/p>\n
I nearly intervened.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
This question belonged to them.<\/p>\n
Richard answered slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cPartly.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo\u2019s face changed.<\/p>\n
Not crushed.<\/p>\n
Alert.<\/p>\n
He wanted truth now.<\/p>\n
Richard continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Emily and Daniel were children, I understood that taking care of them was my responsibility whether I enjoyed every part of it or not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause they\u2019re your kids.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI let myself believe I could choose which parts of being a parent-like person I wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo looked down.<\/p>\n
Richard\u2019s voice became rough.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was unfair to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you want me?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question hurt physically.<\/p>\n
Richard\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first, I wanted your mother enough that I told myself everything else would work.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost spoke.<\/p>\n
Then stayed silent.<\/p>\n
Leo asked, \u201cThat\u2019s not the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you ever want me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard closed his eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled sadly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first time you fell asleep during that terrible museum tour and drooled on my jacket.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were four.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat museum?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNatural history.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDinosaurs?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGray.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you get mad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was irritated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds right.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard laughed softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you woke up and asked whether dinosaurs had grandfathers.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said probably.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not scientific.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were four.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo waited.<\/p>\n
Richard understood he had not finished.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat day,\u201d he said, \u201cI realized I cared what happened to you separately from what happened with your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo stared at the chess board.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo why did you forget?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard\u2019s eyes filled again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t forget.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI let resentment become louder than affection.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer sat heavily in the room.<\/p>\n
Leo moved another chess piece.<\/p>\n
This one legally.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan that happen again?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was surprised.<\/p>\n
So was Leo.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re supposed to say no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why yes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I am still the same person who made the mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo frowned.<\/p>\n
Richard continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to change how I respond when I feel irritated or trapped. But I can\u2019t promise I will never feel those things again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat can you promise?\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I will never again make your belonging depend on my comfort.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven if I\u2019m super annoying?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEspecially then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven if I beat you at chess?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us remain realistic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo laughed.<\/p>\n
Then he moved his queen.<\/p>\n
\u201cCheck.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard looked down.<\/p>\n
His expression changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard studied the board.<\/p>\n
Leo had him.<\/p>\n
I realized something as I watched them.<\/p>\n
Forgiveness was happening without ceremony.<\/p>\n
Not all at once.<\/p>\n
Not because Richard had earned a certificate declaring himself changed.<\/p>\n
It appeared in questions Leo felt safe enough to ask.<\/p>\n
In answers Richard no longer manipulated.<\/p>\n
In the fact that my son could challenge him and expect the relationship to survive.<\/p>\n
Richard lost the game three moves later.<\/p>\n
He accused Leo of receiving outside coaching.<\/p>\n
Leo accused him of being old.<\/p>\n
They argued cheerfully.<\/p>\n
Later, while Leo was upstairs, Richard stayed behind.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou heard all that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid I answer badly?\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re asking me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI trust your judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s new.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPainfully.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You answered honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted to say I\u2019d never hurt him again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat would have sounded better.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it might have been another promise designed to make me feel like a good person.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cTherapy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cObviously.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long are you planning to keep blaming every insight on therapy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAs long as it keeps you from thinking I reached them myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
Then his expression softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cSarah.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled slightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m saying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re about to tell me you still love me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked caught.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019m going to tell you I care about you, which is not the same as wanting our marriage back.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cCorrect.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re getting efficient.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI miss inefficient.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
We stood in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
Not touching.<\/p>\n
Close enough to remember what touching would feel like.<\/p>\n
That remained one of the hardest parts.<\/p>\n
Richard looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you ever wonder?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The admission surprised both of us.<\/p>\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat stops you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I did not need time.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fact that I\u2019m happier.\u201d<\/p>\n
That hurt him.<\/p>\n
I saw it.<\/p>\n
But he nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t mean constantly happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean I don\u2019t monitor the atmosphere anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
Richard looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did that to you too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought it was only Leo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
That realization seemed new.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI used to listen to your footsteps and know whether dinner needed to be quieter.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I had.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked around the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you hate me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes I think that would be easier.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor who?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cFair.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he picked up his coat.<\/p>\n
At the door, he paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re happier.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words cost him something.<\/p>\n
I believed them.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He left.<\/p>\n
That evening, Leo asked me another question.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think Richard wants to marry you again?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nearly choked on tea.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe looks at you weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does weird mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike in movies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat explains nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, I did.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe may wish things were different.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you marry him again?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo looked relieved.<\/p>\n
Then guilty about looking relieved.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can be relieved.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I like him now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s okay too.\u201d<\/p>\n
He thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would be weird if you married him again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then I\u2019d worry.\u201d<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you\u2019d start changing stuff again.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Trust repaired between Leo and Richard did not mean my marriage could be safely reconstructed.<\/p>\n
Different relationships.<\/p>\n
Different wounds.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you don\u2019t have to worry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou promise?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He relaxed.<\/p>\n
A minute later he said, \u201cCan he come for Christmas?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s your next question?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Christmas.<\/p>\n
The deadline Richard had once imagined for quiet.<\/p>\n
The season by which he had apparently expected Leo to be living elsewhere.<\/p>\n
I thought of that.<\/p>\n
Then of Richard standing by the outfield fence.<\/p>\n
The hospital bed.<\/p>\n
The chess board.<\/p>\n
The question about belonging.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe can come for part of Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leo smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wondered whether Richard understood how close he had come to spending that holiday alone because of his own demand for peace.<\/p>\n
Soon, he would find out.<\/p>\n
Richard\u2019s health scare made everyone gentler for about ten days. Then we returned to being ourselves. Emily resumed arguing with him about trust governance. Daniel lectured him about sodium. Richard … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15901,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15924","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15924","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15924"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15924\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15951,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15924\/revisions\/15951"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/15901"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15924"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15924"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15924"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}