The following Saturday, Derek arrived ten minutes early.<\/p>\n
He brought groceries.<\/p>\n
I raised an eyebrow when I saw the bags.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are those?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have food.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why did you buy it?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I'd contribute.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped aside.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut it in the kitchen.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, ma'am.\u201d<\/p>\n
We spent the morning cooking.<\/p>\n
It was almost ordinary.<\/p>\n
That frightened me more than the difficult conversation had.<\/p>\n
Ordinary could make a person forget.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to forget.<\/p>\n
But I also didn't want to live forever inside the worst moment of our lives.<\/p>\n
Derek chopped vegetables while I prepared the chicken.<\/p>\n
At one point, he looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you remember when I used to help you cook?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were terrible at chopping onions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was seven.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still cut them too thick.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
The sound felt unfamiliar.<\/p>\n
Then he became quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He placed the knife down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was thinking about Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe told me something last week.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said you always protected me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said when I was a kid, you would make excuses for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I continued cutting.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe's right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I was your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was the only one I had.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned against the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you think I was special?\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you were mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that became the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
He continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI grew up believing you'd always fix things.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I got suspended in school, you talked to the principal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I wrecked Dad's car, you paid for the repairs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I lost my first job, you covered my rent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen my marriage fell apart, you told me I could come home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo when I got angry, I thought you'd eventually make that okay too.\u201d<\/p>\n
The knife rested in my hand.<\/p>\n
I set it down.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was never what I wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know now.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked ashamed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI confused unconditional love with unconditional permission.\u201d<\/p>\n
That sentence stopped me.<\/p>\n
I had no response.<\/p>\n
Derek stared at the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought because you'd always love me, there would never be a consequence.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's something you need to remember for the rest of your life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI will.\u201d<\/p>\n
We finished cooking.<\/p>\n
We ate at the table.<\/p>\n
For the first time in months, I didn't feel like I was sitting across from a threat.<\/p>\n
I felt like I was sitting across from a person who was finally beginning to understand himself.<\/p>\n
After lunch, Derek helped wash the dishes.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you ever want me gone before that night?\u201d<\/p>\n
I dried a plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot forever.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face fell.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted you to leave sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn't you tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He closed his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate hearing that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause if I don't hear what I did to you, I can pretend I'm changing without knowing what I'm changing from.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put the plate away.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is probably true.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned against the sink.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't expect you to trust me yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really don't make this easy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that's good.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause easy is what got us here.\u201d<\/p>\n
He left around four.<\/p>\n
The next morning, I received a call from Robert.<\/p>\n
\u201cDerek told me he wants to make things right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants to pay back the money.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe doesn't owe me all of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe disagrees.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe can't afford it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe says he'll pay it slowly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds like him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe also wants to repair the wall.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI already did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe knows.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why?\u201d<\/p>\n
Robert paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he says he wants to repair something he can.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the hallway.<\/p>\n
The new section of wall was barely noticeable.<\/p>\n
Still, I understood.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you would.\u201d<\/p>\n
The conversation ended.<\/p>\n
That evening, I received another message from Derek.<\/p>\n
Can I come by tomorrow after work?<\/p>\n
I replied yes.<\/p>\n
He came carrying a toolbox.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really don't need to do this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He crouched beside the baseboard.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched him work.<\/p>\n
The repair was small.<\/p>\n
A loose piece of trim.<\/p>\n
Something I could have fixed myself.<\/p>\n
But he worked carefully.<\/p>\n
When he finished, he stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt looks good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
He packed the tools.<\/p>\n
Then he looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'll keep doing little things.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust don't use them to buy forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won't.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I ask one more thing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I keep doing this, will you eventually let me come home?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
The question carried hope.<\/p>\n
It also carried danger.<\/p>\n
Because I knew how easy it would be to say yes.<\/p>\n
I wanted to say yes.<\/p>\n
But wanting something and being ready for it were not the same.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it's fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He was learning.<\/p>\n
Slowly.<\/p>\n
Painfully.<\/p>\n
But he was learning.<\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n
The following Saturday, Derek arrived ten minutes early. He brought groceries. I raised an eyebrow when I saw the bags. \u201cWhat are those?\u201d \u201cFood.\u201d \u201cI have food.\u201d \u201cI know.\u201d \u201cThen … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14699,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14705"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14730,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705\/revisions\/14730"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14699"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14705"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14705"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14705"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}