Derek remained standing beside the table.<\/p>\n
He didn't reach for his jacket.<\/p>\n
He didn't move toward the stairs.<\/p>\n
He simply stared at the papers as if they belonged to someone else's life.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happens if I go to Denver?\u201d<\/p>\n
Robert answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou start the program. We deal with housing. You find work when you're ready. You stay away from your mother until she decides otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou make it sound easy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't say it would be easy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about my stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe'll pack it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy job?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you still have one, you tell them you need time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek gave a bitter laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou've thought of everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Robert said. \u201cI've thought of what needs to happen next.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek turned to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you're okay with this?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the bruise on my reflection in the darkened window.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyebrows rose.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am not okay with any of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you doing it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause being okay with something and knowing it has to happen are different things.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I could tell he wanted me to rescue him.<\/p>\n
That had always been the pattern.<\/p>\n
Something went wrong.<\/p>\n
He became angry.<\/p>\n
I became afraid.<\/p>\n
Then I fixed whatever could be fixed.<\/p>\n
This time there would be no fixing.<\/p>\n
Derek pulled out his chair and sat again.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I don't go?\u201d<\/p>\n
Robert answered immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen your mother takes the legal route.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek's eyes moved to the document.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou'd really do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
I spoke before Robert could.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
The word seemed to have changed the room.<\/p>\n
I had said it quietly.<\/p>\n
There was no threat in my voice.<\/p>\n
That made it harder to argue with.<\/p>\n
Derek looked at his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you loved me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt the familiar pain rise in my chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen how can you do this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not love.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes love means refusing to protect someone from consequences.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes filled again.<\/p>\n
He wiped them quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've had a terrible year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything went wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI lost my job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy marriage ended.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel like nobody wants me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted you here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want my son here. I cannot live with the man you've become here.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked wounded.<\/p>\n
I continued before fear could stop me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are not only the worst thing you've done. But what you've done still matters.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek's lower lip trembled.<\/p>\n
He turned away.<\/p>\n
Robert stayed silent.<\/p>\n
That was one of the things I appreciated about him. He didn't rush to fill every silence. He understood that sometimes a person needed to sit inside the consequences of his own choices.<\/p>\n
Derek eventually whispered, \u201cDo you remember when I broke your vase?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was your mother's.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you the cat knocked it over.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI broke it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn't you say anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
I gave a tired smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you were angry, and I didn't want another argument.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the wall?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew you kicked it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe glass?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew you threw it.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much did you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough.\u201d<\/p>\n
He covered his face with both hands.<\/p>\n
The room became quiet again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I was hiding it,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were hiding it from yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
He lowered his hands.<\/p>\n
Robert stood and walked to the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
He poured himself more coffee.<\/p>\n
Derek watched him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really rented me a place?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you're still my son.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek looked away.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't deserve that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn't a reward.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's a chance to get somewhere safe while you learn how to stop being dangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
He looked at the folder again.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat's the catch?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo catch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere always is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe catch is that you have to do the work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek let out a long breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know if I can.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou won't know until you try.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked around the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am going to stay here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor now.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes dropped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to hate me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what do you feel?\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrief.\u201d<\/p>\n
He blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrief?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what happened to you. For what happened to me. For the years we spent moving toward this without admitting where we were going.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek looked toward the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't remember becoming this person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
That seemed to hurt him more than anger would have.<\/p>\n
He sat quietly for another minute.<\/p>\n
Then he asked, \u201cCan I stay until tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I don't know what tomorrow will look like if we repeat today.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
Robert gathered the papers.<\/p>\n
\u201cPack a bag.\u201d<\/p>\n
Derek stood.<\/p>\n
He walked toward the staircase.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He seemed to realize that I needed more than the words.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know how to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to fix it today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do I do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStart by leaving without making me afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
He went upstairs.<\/p>\n
Robert sat down again.<\/p>\n
I stared at the untouched breakfast.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that too harsh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't feel strong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to feel strong.\u201d<\/p>\n
I rubbed my hands together.<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're allowed to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cGuilty for what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor finally choosing yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words stayed with me.<\/p>\n
Upstairs, drawers opened.<\/p>\n
A closet door slammed.<\/p>\n
Then silence.<\/p>\n
Robert looked at the staircase.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want me to go up?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew Derek needed to pack his own things.<\/p>\n
More importantly, I needed to learn how to remain in my own kitchen while my son moved through the house without me rushing to make everything easier.<\/p>\n
Twenty minutes later, Derek came downstairs carrying two trash bags.<\/p>\n
It was strange.<\/p>\n
A man who had lived under my roof for years was leaving with almost everything he owned stuffed into plastic bags.<\/p>\n
He placed one beside the door.<\/p>\n
The other stayed in his hand.<\/p>\n
He looked embarrassed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the bags?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor all of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
Robert took one.<\/p>\n
Derek kept the other.<\/p>\n
They walked toward the door.<\/p>\n
Then Derek stopped.<\/p>\n
His hand rested on the doorknob.<\/p>\n
He turned.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you going to let me come back?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question was barely audible.<\/p>\n
I looked at my son.<\/p>\n
There was no anger in his face now.<\/p>\n
Only fear.<\/p>\n
I understood that fear.<\/p>\n
I had lived with it too.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot like this,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo someday?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes fell.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you learn how to live without hurting people, if you take responsibility, if you become someone who can knock on a door without the person inside wondering whether they are safe, then someday we can talk.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
Robert opened the door.<\/p>\n
Cold morning air moved through the hallway.<\/p>\n
Derek stepped outside.<\/p>\n
Then he looked back one final time.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really am sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
This time I believed that he meant it.<\/p>\n
But believing an apology and trusting the person who gave it were not the same thing.<\/p>\n
I watched him walk toward Robert's car.<\/p>\n
The trunk opened.<\/p>\n
The bags disappeared inside.<\/p>\n
Derek stood beside the passenger door.<\/p>\n
He looked at the house once more.<\/p>\n
Then he got in.<\/p>\n
The car pulled away.<\/p>\n
I remained in the doorway until it disappeared at the end of the street.<\/p>\n
Only then did I close the door.<\/p>\n
And for the first time in months, I realized I was not listening for footsteps.<\/p>\n
Derek remained standing beside the table. He didn't reach for his jacket. He didn't move toward the stairs. He simply stared at the papers as if they belonged to someone … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14699,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14702","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14702"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14702\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14727,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14702\/revisions\/14727"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14699"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14702"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14702"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14702"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}