I had learned years earlier that nine-year-old girls could turn an ordinary house into controlled chaos in less time than it took to order pizza. By seven on the evening of Emma\u2019s birthday sleepover, the den was buried under sleeping bags, somebody had already spilled lemonade beside the television, and four children were arguing over which movie they were absolutely not going to watch.<\/p>\n
None of that bothered me. What bothered me was Sadie.<\/p>\n
She stood just inside the front door while the other girls dropped their shoes beside the coat rack. Emma\u2019s bright sneakers landed sideways against the wall. Another pair followed, then another. I had recently replaced the carpet and had announced my usual rule as casually as possible: shoes stayed downstairs by the door.<\/p>\n
Sadie did not move.<\/p>\n
She was small even for nine, with hurriedly brushed hair and a denim skirt that seemed slightly too large around her waist. Her sneakers were dusty pink. The laces had been tied in tight double knots.<\/p>\n
\u201cSadie?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Her eyes lifted to mine.<\/p>\n
I pointed toward the small mountain of shoes. \u201cYou can leave yours there too, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
For an instant I expected embarrassment. Maybe she had mismatched socks. Maybe there was a hole at one heel. Children could build enormous fears around things adults barely noticed.<\/p>\n
Instead, Sadie sat on the edge of the sofa.<\/p>\n
She pulled both feet underneath herself.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have to keep them on.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice was so controlled that I stopped smiling.<\/p>\n
Emma was already calling from the kitchen, asking whether she could open the presents before dinner. Behind her, two friends were trying to steal pepperoni from the pizza box.<\/p>\n
I kept my attention on Sadie.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven indoors?\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour parents have a rule about that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another nod.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind of rule?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her fingers closed around the hem of her skirt.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not supposed to take my shoes off when I\u2019m somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was something peculiar about the wording. Not I don\u2019t want to. Not my mother says I shouldn\u2019t. She sounded as though she were repeating a regulation she had memorized precisely because getting it wrong carried consequences.<\/p>\n
I could have insisted.<\/p>\n
It was my house, after all, and the carpet really was new.<\/p>\n
Instead I said, \u201cAll right. Tonight you get special permission.\u201d<\/p>\n
The change in her face was almost invisible, but I saw it. Her shoulders dropped perhaps half an inch.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then she said it again.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, Mrs. Carter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Emma appeared in the doorway wearing the paper birthday crown her grandmother had mailed her. \u201cMom! Are you coming?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m coming.\u201d<\/p>\n
Emma grabbed Sadie\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n
For one terrible second Sadie flinched.<\/p>\n
Emma noticed nothing. She dragged her toward the kitchen, talking about cake and presents and some classroom joke I could not follow.<\/p>\n
I stayed behind.<\/p>\n
The pink sneakers left faint marks in the carpet.<\/p>\n
I told myself not to be ridiculous.<\/p>\n
Children had strange rules. Families had stranger ones. Perhaps Sadie\u2019s mother worried about athlete\u2019s foot. Perhaps the girl had a medical problem. Perhaps she wore orthopedic inserts and was embarrassed about them.<\/p>\n
There were a dozen explanations that did not require the uneasiness beginning to settle beneath my ribs.<\/p>\n
So I chose one of those explanations.<\/p>\n
For the next several hours, I watched the girls without appearing to watch.<\/p>\n
Sadie was unfailingly polite. Too polite, I began to think.<\/p>\n
When I gave her pizza, she thanked me before taking the plate and again after setting it down. She ate slowly and kept one hand near the crust whenever another child reached across the table.<\/p>\n
Emma stole a mushroom from her friend Claire\u2019s plate.<\/p>\n
Claire shrieked.<\/p>\n
Emma laughed.<\/p>\n
Sadie jerked backward so hard that her chair legs scraped the floor.<\/p>\n
Everyone looked at her.<\/p>\n
She immediately smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nobody had accused her of anything.<\/p>\n
During presents, she sat outside the circle with her knees together and her pink shoes flat on the rug. When Emma tore wrapping paper too enthusiastically and knocked over a plastic cup, Sadie was the first person on her feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can clean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just water,\u201d I told her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSadie, honey, you\u2019re a guest.\u201d<\/p>\n
That seemed to confuse her.<\/p>\n
She stared at me while I wiped the spill.<\/p>\n
Emma rescued the moment by holding up a bracelet-making kit and announcing that everyone had to make friendship bracelets immediately.<\/p>\n
For perhaps twenty minutes, Sadie behaved like the child I had expected to meet.<\/p>\n
She laughed when Claire dropped half a container of beads. She made Emma a bracelet using yellow and blue plastic letters. She argued about whether a dolphin charm looked more like a banana.<\/p>\n
Then the movie started.<\/p>\n
The girls sprawled across blankets and cushions.<\/p>\n
Sadie chose the wall.<\/p>\n
She sat with her back against the baseboard and both feet planted firmly beneath her.<\/p>\n
Halfway through the film, I carried in popcorn.<\/p>\n
Emma took a bowl without looking.<\/p>\n
Claire demanded extra butter.<\/p>\n
Sadie looked directly at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Again, that careful gratitude.<\/p>\n
I went into the kitchen and stood at the sink longer than necessary.<\/p>\n
Through the doorway I could see the side of Sadie\u2019s face illuminated by the television.<\/p>\n
She was not watching the movie.<\/p>\n
She was watching the room.<\/p>\n
Every time somebody moved behind her, her shoulders tightened.<\/p>\n
At ten thirty I announced pajamas.<\/p>\n
Three girls immediately began changing beneath blankets, laughing and throwing clothes at one another.<\/p>\n
Sadie picked up her overnight bag.<\/p>\n
\u201cBathroom?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDown the hall.\u201d<\/p>\n
She disappeared inside and locked the door.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes passed.<\/p>\n
Then fifteen.<\/p>\n
At twenty, I knocked.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cSadie?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer came immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another minute passed before the lock clicked.<\/p>\n
Sadie emerged wearing the same jeans she had arrived in.<\/p>\n
And the same sneakers.<\/p>\n
Her overnight bag looked untouched.<\/p>\n
I glanced at it.<\/p>\n
She noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m comfortable like this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had stopped believing this was about comfort.<\/p>\n
By eleven thirty, the girls were supposed to be sleeping.<\/p>\n
By eleven forty-five, they were whispering.<\/p>\n
At midnight, the whispering had faded.<\/p>\n
I checked the den.<\/p>\n
Emma lay on her stomach with one arm hanging from the inflatable mattress. Claire had kicked off her blanket. The television menu cast a blue glow across the room.<\/p>\n
Sadie was awake.<\/p>\n
She sat against the wall.<\/p>\n
Still wearing those shoes.<\/p>\n
Our eyes met.<\/p>\n
I considered going back upstairs.<\/p>\n
Instead I crossed the room and lowered myself to the carpet several feet from her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know,\u201d I whispered, \u201cI\u2019m beginning to think those sneakers are more comfortable than anything I own.\u201d<\/p>\n
No answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo your feet hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n
She shook her head.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can loosen the laces if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her hands immediately moved toward her ankles.<\/p>\n
Not to untie them.<\/p>\n
To cover them.<\/p>\n
That was when I knew I had been asking the wrong question.<\/p>\n
I leaned against the sofa.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I said. \u201cShoes stay on.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sadie studied my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not mad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would I be mad?\u201d<\/p>\n
She shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause of the carpet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCarpets can be cleaned.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer seemed to matter to her.<\/p>\n
For several seconds neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
The refrigerator hummed in the kitchen. Outside, a car moved slowly along the street and disappeared.<\/p>\n
I lowered my voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs somebody going to be angry because you kept them on?\u201d<\/p>\n
Sadie shook her head.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
Her eyes went toward the window.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Eventually she whispered, \u201cKurt gets mad if people see.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every instinct in me sharpened.<\/p>\n
\u201cKurt?\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
I knew the name.<\/p>\n
Her mother\u2019s boyfriend.<\/p>\n
I had met him once.<\/p>\n
He was the sort of man people described as friendly because he smiled easily and remembered to shake hands. Large shoulders. Work jacket. Loud voice. He had called me ma\u2019am repeatedly and squeezed my hand harder than necessary.<\/p>\n
I remembered almost nothing else about him.<\/p>\n
Until that moment, there had been nothing else to remember.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat doesn\u2019t Kurt want people seeing?\u201d<\/p>\n
Sadie\u2019s face emptied.<\/p>\n
She had realized she had said too much.<\/p>\n
I did not reach for her shoes.<\/p>\n
I did not touch her.<\/p>\n
I barely moved.<\/p>\n
\u201cSadie?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her lips trembled once.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf he sees my feet,\u201d she whispered, \u201cI get in trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKurt isn\u2019t here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes met mine.<\/p>\n
The expression in them frightened me more than tears would have.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe finds out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
She pressed her soles against the carpet.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe says my feet tell on me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt cold despite the warm room.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask ten questions.<\/p>\n
What had he done?<\/p>\n
Was she hurt?<\/p>\n
Did her mother know?<\/p>\n
Had anyone else seen?<\/p>\n
But Sadie had already withdrawn. Her chin was against her knees, and whatever narrow opening had appeared between us was closing.<\/p>\n
So I changed direction.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you like hot chocolate?\u201d<\/p>\n
She blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHot chocolate. I was thinking about making some.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt midnight?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is generally when the best decisions are made.\u201d<\/p>\n
A tiny uncertainty crossed her face.<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cMarshmallows?\u201d<\/p>\n
She hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo.\u201d<\/p>\n
In the kitchen, I gripped the counter with both hands.<\/p>\n
I stayed there until my breathing slowed.<\/p>\n
Then I heated milk.<\/p>\n
When I returned, Sadie accepted the mug with both hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n
We talked about nothing dangerous.<\/p>\n
Her guinea pig was named Waffles.<\/p>\n
Waffles hated carrots, which Sadie considered proof that he was defective.<\/p>\n
He liked hiding beneath newspaper.<\/p>\n
Sadie wanted a second guinea pig someday but did not think Kurt would allow it.<\/p>\n
I did not ask why.<\/p>\n
Eventually her sentences grew slower.<\/p>\n
Her head tilted against the wall.<\/p>\n
The mug became loose in her hands, and I gently took it before it spilled.<\/p>\n
She fell asleep sitting upright.<\/p>\n
Her sneakers remained firmly tied.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her for almost an hour.<\/p>\n
At some point I convinced myself morning would make everything clearer.<\/p>\n
Morning did.<\/p>\n
Just not in the way I wanted.<\/p>\n
At breakfast, Sadie reached for the maple syrup.<\/p>\n
Her sleeve slid backward.<\/p>\n
Around her wrist, fading into yellow at the edges, were marks that looked disturbingly like the placement of fingers.<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
Sadie saw me staring.<\/p>\n
She yanked down her sleeve.<\/p>\n
And in that instant, the strange rule about her sneakers stopped looking strange at all.<\/p>\n
I had learned years earlier that nine-year-old girls could turn an ordinary house into controlled chaos in less time than it took to order pizza. By seven on the evening … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12499,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12500","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12500","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12500"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12500\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12528,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12500\/revisions\/12528"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/12499"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12500"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12500"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12500"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}